VOID....

There's a void in my life. And today it seems more pronouced. It hurts more. I feel it today more than normal. Why is that? I am missing and longing for someone today, more than I can put into words. Most days, I'm fine. It doesn't register everyday like it used to, but today...today I can't stop thinking of him. It's like someone has punched me in my stomach, like I can't fully catch my breath. I want to call him on the phone, I want him to see my beautiful children, I want him to be there when I have a bad day (like today) and tell me to quit being a "boob". I want him see my kids and laugh at all their quirky actions. I want them to know their Grandpa, and to KNOW how much he loves them. I want him to spoil them like he did me.

There's so much I WANT and KNOW i can't have. But I also know how much I HAVE. I KNOW all this, and yet, its just not enough today. I want to miss him today, and think of him, and long for him. Today, I HAVE A VOID, that nothing can fill.

OH THIS IS EMBARASSING...REALLY

I think I want to PUKE..my heart is racing, I feel sick to my stomach, and i'm sure it will have the same effect on you...but I must do this..It's time to get my butt in gear, and I think this will be my catalyst..let's hope so, or i'm completely humilating myself for nothing...but here it goes...please be kind :)..not really..i need the TRUTH...

I did have husband take some full body shots...but let's just say he has NO SKILLS w/ a camera...so I'll have to post some when they aren't blurry ;)

So there it is..well, there I am...not pretty. But I did stick to my word, and I did start my routine last night. Granted, it only lasted 35 mins, and I started w/ the Yoga X DVD, which might be the "easiest" out of the 12 DVD's, but this is NOT your relaxing, breathing, peaceful yoga. Its none stop, one move to the next to the next, no break, and its 1 1/2 hr long...i was sweating after 35 mins...but my kids decided they wanted to work out w/ mom, so I got kicked off of my yoga mat..LOL...Ryson actually does Downward Dog really well. His balance was better than mine. :) But none the less...i started and will continue to do it.

Stay tuned for next week's pic. We'll see if I can make it that long... :)

P 90X..yes that's the one

Yes...I'm crazy...let's get that out in the open. So we purchased this program about a year ago, and I actually did do it for about two months or so..and it really works..but not surprising..I stopped. Life gets crazy, kids, work, husband, home,pets, bills, no sleep. But I've come to my  limit. I had my thyroid out 1 1/2 yr ago, and I've finally got leveled out a little bit. But this extra weight that I can't get rid of, is going to drive me MAD!!

With that said, I'm starting my routine tonight. i will post before pictures, and post pics weekly to see my progress (be sure to keep a barf bag handy on the before pic,it won't be pretty. you've been warned).

Why do this so publicly, you might ask.??? Because its so easy to stop. Its so easy to give up. So hopefully this will keep me motivated and help me stay on course.

P90X....here I come.

Can't stop..

I have a small addiction. I CAN'T STOP READING. Now this might not seem like a problem to most, but when your husband actually rolls his eyes and says "oh great!", everytime he sees you sit down on the couch with your current book, or when you're children have been yelling "MOM" for 5 mins and you honestly don't hear them...its got to be bad. I have read 5 books in 2 weeks. Once I start a book, I HAVE TO FINISH IT. I read one book in a day and a half. I become so engrossed in these books, they're all I think about. I need to know what's going to happen, how its going to happen, or who done it. I can't wait. So I read it in a day or two....and then I start all over with the next one....hmmmm...this was random...

To make it more random...here's some pics of my kids...they think they're hilarious...

You want to guess Ryson's fave color??? yea...its not blue...

OH..1 more thing...

I LOVE SEPTEMBER!!

love love love Fall....

BRING IT ON!!

Are you SERIOUS??...

So...the Duggars. 18 kids. WOW! You'd think that would be MORE THAN ENOUGH...??? Well, I guess not. They are expecting their 19TH CHILD!! Now, don't get me wrong..I have nothing against big families. But when is enough enough? How do you have enough time, energy, money to raise 19 kids? Is it fair to make your older children help raise your younger kids? To me...no. But I can barely handle my two kids. So who am I to say...But 19...REALLY??? Momma Duggar has been pregnant for a total of...you ready for this??....12 YEARS!!! Can you imagine what her body must be like, feel like?? That's insane to me? Yes, all the kids seem happy and healthy and that they are taken care of, and I'm glad for that....But really...I think it might be time to stop the insanity...AND QUIT REPRODUCING ALREADY!!

I want to be here...

I need to be here today...away from everything, and listening to nothing but the ocean...

This is what I NEED.