VOID....

There's a void in my life. And today it seems more pronouced. It hurts more. I feel it today more than normal. Why is that? I am missing and longing for someone today, more than I can put into words. Most days, I'm fine. It doesn't register everyday like it used to, but today...today I can't stop thinking of him. It's like someone has punched me in my stomach, like I can't fully catch my breath. I want to call him on the phone, I want him to see my beautiful children, I want him to be there when I have a bad day (like today) and tell me to quit being a "boob". I want him see my kids and laugh at all their quirky actions. I want them to know their Grandpa, and to KNOW how much he loves them. I want him to spoil them like he did me.

There's so much I WANT and KNOW i can't have. But I also know how much I HAVE. I KNOW all this, and yet, its just not enough today. I want to miss him today, and think of him, and long for him. Today, I HAVE A VOID, that nothing can fill.

OH THIS IS EMBARASSING...REALLY

I think I want to PUKE..my heart is racing, I feel sick to my stomach, and i'm sure it will have the same effect on you...but I must do this..It's time to get my butt in gear, and I think this will be my catalyst..let's hope so, or i'm completely humilating myself for nothing...but here it goes...please be kind :)..not really..i need the TRUTH...

I did have husband take some full body shots...but let's just say he has NO SKILLS w/ a camera...so I'll have to post some when they aren't blurry ;)

So there it is..well, there I am...not pretty. But I did stick to my word, and I did start my routine last night. Granted, it only lasted 35 mins, and I started w/ the Yoga X DVD, which might be the "easiest" out of the 12 DVD's, but this is NOT your relaxing, breathing, peaceful yoga. Its none stop, one move to the next to the next, no break, and its 1 1/2 hr long...i was sweating after 35 mins...but my kids decided they wanted to work out w/ mom, so I got kicked off of my yoga mat..LOL...Ryson actually does Downward Dog really well. His balance was better than mine. :) But none the less...i started and will continue to do it.

Stay tuned for next week's pic. We'll see if I can make it that long... :)

P 90X..yes that's the one

Yes...I'm crazy...let's get that out in the open. So we purchased this program about a year ago, and I actually did do it for about two months or so..and it really works..but not surprising..I stopped. Life gets crazy, kids, work, husband, home,pets, bills, no sleep. But I've come to my  limit. I had my thyroid out 1 1/2 yr ago, and I've finally got leveled out a little bit. But this extra weight that I can't get rid of, is going to drive me MAD!!

With that said, I'm starting my routine tonight. i will post before pictures, and post pics weekly to see my progress (be sure to keep a barf bag handy on the before pic,it won't be pretty. you've been warned).

Why do this so publicly, you might ask.??? Because its so easy to stop. Its so easy to give up. So hopefully this will keep me motivated and help me stay on course.

P90X....here I come.

Can't stop..

I have a small addiction. I CAN'T STOP READING. Now this might not seem like a problem to most, but when your husband actually rolls his eyes and says "oh great!", everytime he sees you sit down on the couch with your current book, or when you're children have been yelling "MOM" for 5 mins and you honestly don't hear them...its got to be bad. I have read 5 books in 2 weeks. Once I start a book, I HAVE TO FINISH IT. I read one book in a day and a half. I become so engrossed in these books, they're all I think about. I need to know what's going to happen, how its going to happen, or who done it. I can't wait. So I read it in a day or two....and then I start all over with the next one....hmmmm...this was random...

To make it more random...here's some pics of my kids...they think they're hilarious...

You want to guess Ryson's fave color??? yea...its not blue...

OH..1 more thing...

I LOVE SEPTEMBER!!

love love love Fall....

BRING IT ON!!

Are you SERIOUS??...

So...the Duggars. 18 kids. WOW! You'd think that would be MORE THAN ENOUGH...??? Well, I guess not. They are expecting their 19TH CHILD!! Now, don't get me wrong..I have nothing against big families. But when is enough enough? How do you have enough time, energy, money to raise 19 kids? Is it fair to make your older children help raise your younger kids? To me...no. But I can barely handle my two kids. So who am I to say...But 19...REALLY??? Momma Duggar has been pregnant for a total of...you ready for this??....12 YEARS!!! Can you imagine what her body must be like, feel like?? That's insane to me? Yes, all the kids seem happy and healthy and that they are taken care of, and I'm glad for that....But really...I think it might be time to stop the insanity...AND QUIT REPRODUCING ALREADY!!

I want to be here...

I need to be here today...away from everything, and listening to nothing but the ocean...

This is what I NEED.

THeY tAKE afTEr thEIr MOtHeR

So..unfortunately..my kids get their sense of humor from me. They are officailly dorks..We're sitting at the New Hong Kong waiting for my sister, and Aniston says "Mom, lets take funny pics.SHOW MY YOUR FUNNY FACE MOM!". So we proceed to take the following pics. Aniston thought it was the coolest thing ever. Poor children.

Do you like Aniston's forehead in the picture?..yea..nice..

Do you ever have days like this...?

Do you ever have days where you don't want to be a mom??..I guess I should put a disclaimer on here..."I LOVE my children. I do. They are beautiful, and smart, and funny, and really good...most of the time...today is NOT one of those days..."

I'm a blog stalker. I am. I admit it. I'm a natural born people watcher. I like to see what other people's lives are like. What their likes are, their dislikes, what makes them happy, how people get through tragedies, what they love...etc...I read a lot of posts about how happy people are, how lucky they are, how amazing their husbands are. Its very uplifting. But I wonder if these people have "normal" days..you know..where you're children are screaming and crying no matter what you do...your animals have trashed your house and backyard AGAIN, you can never catch up on sleep, or laundry,or dishes for that matter...your husband is driving you crazy, the police have been called to your house b/c your dogs bark (yea, God forbid a dog barks during the day. Guess this isn't tolerated anymore. How rude of my dogs) ...you know.."normal"..

Well that is my day today. My kids are BRATS!!! Granted, they are 3 and 2, so that doesn't help. But they have been screaming...ALL DAY...they won't sleep, they won't eat, they don't want to play b/c they can't share, they're hitting, kicking, screaming, and yelling...

So, yes, today...I don't think I want to be a mom.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT

How many times a day, a week, a month do we hear this phrase...?? But do we really take the time to THINK about what it means. I know I don't sometimes. In the last month 3 people Hoku or I know have died. Just like that, gone. We mourn, we send sympathies to the families, we attend the funerals...and then what.?? we go back to our everyday. Our kids, our jobs, our hobbies...etc...We go back to taking things for granted. We get so caught up in the mundain, everyday things, that we forget how lucky we are. Any time, any day we could lose someone who means the world to us, we know this, but do we take the extra time to tell or show them how much they truly mean to us? Or is it easier to say " Oh i'll call them later, oh they know i love them...i'll just do this one thing and then go see them" and then we don't...

Today I am telling people I love just how much they mean to me. I will cherish all the time I can with my children.Who cares if my house is messy. Who cares if there's 5 loads of laundry to be done. I want to live. I will forgive. I will forget. I will apologize. I will love. I will live. I don't want to die and have the people I love wonder if I loved them. I don't want to lose someone without them knowing they meant the world to me. I don't want to live with regrets.

I think all of us could give a little more of ourselves. I know I am going to try harder to just live my life and not get so worked up about things that mean so little...It could all be gone tomorrow...

MY LITTLE GIRL IS 3!!!!

I can not believe its been 3 years since my little Aniston Ray was born. Life has gone non stop since then. But I couldn't ask for a better daughter. She is so helpful, sweet, answers "Alright Mom" to anything I ask her to do. Still wants to hold her "Baby Rycer", even though he weighs more than her and crushes her when he sits on her lap... :)

We had a party for her last Saturday with all of our friends. It was so beautiful outside and the kids had so much fun. She was so spoiled with all of her presents.She LOVED it!! We even got her a bike because she does so well on her tricycle, and is so athletic. It only took her 2 mins to get a hang of it. Then she was off. She took off down the sidewalk and was racing our friend Damon who's in a wheelchair. she was so proud of herself for beating him....

Here's just a few pics....(sorry bout the no shirt thing...she decided she was done wearing it..LOL)

JUST DO IT!!

I so hope I don't offend anyone (if anyone is even reading this), but I'm so irritated I can't stand it. Let's start at the beginning...

Hoku and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. Married for 9 mths, we have 2 kids, house, cars, dog....we've definitely had our ups and downs, and have been through more than most people do in 10 years. But our life is pretty good. We have everything we need. We are healthy and our kids are healthy. but there is one thing that is not so good. Hoku smokes...PLEASE don't get me wrong. I DO NOT judge anyone who smokes. Actually I didn't have a problem with it AT ALL, until my dad, my friend, my hero, died April 7th, 2007. It was an accident that could happen to anyone. It has left a hole in my soul and my life that can NEVER be replaced. Coming up on the second anniversary, I'm having a harder time dealing with it this year, more so than last year. So, dealing with all this, I can not understand how Hoku would do something that he knows can/will hurt him. I understand its an addiction, I understand it must be hard. But going through and seeing what I've gone through losing my dad, you would like it would motivate you to be the best, healthiest person you can for your family. Is it really worth it? really? Is it worth it to possibly leave your kids without a father? Is it worth it to leave your wife alone? Is it worth it to become so sick, life everyday would be suffering? I don't understand. Life is unpredictable. Anyone of us could die today from an accident, illness, etc. So why would you do something on PURPOSE that you KNOW can kill you. I just don't see the reasoning. I'm not saying just quit. But you have to make the decision to quit. Just do it!! make the decision, ask for help and support. It is going to be a process. But won't that be worth it? Don't all of us want as much time w/ the ones we love as we can?

I hope no one is hurt or offended. My only intentions were to vent (thank you) and to gain some understanding........